It's been awhile...

It has been awhile since I have updated this blog. Life got in the way. The biggest change is that I now have a fifteen year old. It is funny, because even though she is my newest, people never assume that. They think I am crazy because I would take in a teen foster girl when I already have three kids with special needs. I will say that it just happened. I was asked to keep her temporarily. Well in foster care two weeks turns into forever.

The way of the world...

Today in the world of foster care, I have been frustrated. I am sure that shocks everyone. The system leaving a person feeling unvalidated, lost, manipulated, surely not! I must be the one who misplaces things, lies in reports, and gets my children's names mixed up! Oh, the love.

For example: We had been trying to get a med consent for one of my fc for awhile now for a psycotropic med. CW calls said it had been denied, when I asked why, cw said didn't know, would look it up for me. Five minutes later I find out it is because CW submitted it for the wrong child. Got to LOVE the system!!!

New and old...

Today was a day of stress and adventure. My parents came up for lunch. My parents try really hard to accept my "choices" in life, but its not them. They could never foster, never have multiple special needs kids, never understand why a single mom would want to add more kids. I understand that they don't get it, but they don't have too, they just have to be respectful of my choice to me and my family. It went ok. They tried harder than they ever have before, however they will never be able to see me and my life as normal. I am ok with that.

Also, me and my sister have decided to take a leap of hope by taking some things out of our kids diets. We are removing a lot of processed foods and dyes, trying to eat food that is as organic and natural as possible. This is in some hope to bring down some of our children's behaviors, it may not help, but it surely cannot hurt us! We will see!

Oh man, I needed to update that my eldest had a large breakdown today. It has been three years since move in day and over a year since TPR and K seemed to be broken down today by anger over some injustices in K' short life. We yelled and cried together. It was so therapeutic. we ended by me rocking K to a peaceful sleep.

what Mothers say...

Almost every mother will say; “I would die for my child.”, “I would give up everything for my child.”, “My child comes before everything else.” I wonder how many parents are faced with this. I also have come to wonder if actually facing this and surviving, makes your love/bond stronger, more pure.

I have realized this week, that putting my child's life before my own wants and needs, sacrificing potentially everything else in my life to put my child first, is completely necessary. I have told my family, my own mom that if she cannot accept that my choice has been made to support my child, that she would lose us. And as much as it would devastate me, I have to put my child’s rights first. I am the only one my children have, and I will support, protect, and cherish them with the fiercest of mama claws.

I feel so strong knowing that there is nothing that will stand in my way of my children’s needs. I will choose their life any day over my own.

Fathers day...

Today is fathers day. THis is a day that brings up a lot of questions in my home primarily, who is my dad. To answer their question honestly would be too much, they have no father, no legal father, no known father. Just no father. I explained to them that yes, every human being has to have a male (father) and a female (mother) to exist, but that doesn't help that I have no answers for them. Should I say; "Well Butter bean, your first mother gave three names of potential fathers, but they all denied it", or "La La, your mom said she had no clue who your dad was, she was working then." or "Sweets, we have a couple of names, but none of them could be bothered to do paternity testing." Nope, so I said to them if you want a dad, then I will have to get married, and that would mean you all sharing me with someone else. Sweets said no thanks, La La said maybe later, and Butter bean had three names for me and told me to get him a daddy! LOL gotta love kids!

On another note, I want to take a minute to thank my father, he is one of the most accepting and loyal man I know. He didn't have to take my children as his grandchildren, but he did, they carry his last name and I hope will do it proud. He has always been there for me and my siblings and worries and loves all of us. He is truly a fantastic man.

Sick of this (pun intended)...

Last Thursday, my eldest was sick, fever headache, throwing up, etc, then this Tuesday, my middle child was sick, same hoopla with lethargy thrown in. Tonight youngest got it, no word for headache and a really sad kiddo! This mamas tired!

The agency's retreat...

It must be friday!! I have cw at my house every week, as well as therapists weekly, and other services at least once a month, but when I need to run something by them no one is around. Wednesday through Friday of this week was my agency's retreat. They go away to some non disclosed location and team build. I have the on call number, but my questions aren't important enough to bother their seminars for, so I am left to look at the weekend with no answers. I don't like that. I am reminded of this time last year. They were all at a retreat and I get a call that they need me to pick up an old respite placement at a little police station an hour away. That was all the information I got, it was just for the night while everybody cooled off, or so I was told. Apparently the girl and her fm got in a fight and she shoved fm to the ground. FM pressed charges and demanded an immediate and final removal. I was not surprised that the agency didn't tell me or that they didn't answer any of my calls that night or for the next three days. On Monday they told me what I already knew that the girl was not going back and that they would work to make arrangements for her. I was full and only temp allowed to keep her. Ten days later they moved her to her now adoptive home. I miss her even though we stay in touch. I really wish it would have worked out for me to be her mom, but I'll settle for her cool aunt!

Car trip...

Today my oldest had an appointment in Chicago. About two and a half hours from where we live. We were ready and left four hours before we had to be there. We were late. The cubs had a game today. My K decided that no matter how great Chicago is, we would never go back unless we could miss all the traffic! I laughed and said that next time we would plan better. Then we hit rush hour on the way back.

Character flaw...

Today an old friend stopped by. I haven't spoken to her in a while, and it was weird that she still sought me out for advice. I have realized that it is a fault of mine that I feel the need to solve others problems. I know it doesn't sound that bad, but I try to solve so many problems for so many people that I spread my self thin, and I get involved in things I have no place being. I do not think it is always a bad thing. I think it is what gives me the heart and the strength to take on children with special needs. I also would wager that there are many other foster parents who would feel that they might also have the same character flaw. I felt better tonight when I could echo thoughts back to her and help her see her own ideas, but not feel the need to run and fix it. I think it will be good for her to solve it for herself and I know that it will be good for me to keep myself concentrated.

Moms work

Today has been one of those days that make you question your sanity. I had a 9am case worker visit, setting up the babysitter for two upcoming appointments, and a sick child who only continued to get sicker as the day went on. He currently has a temp of 102 and is trowing up. My poor baby, the only good side is that in his yuckiness, his RAD shield has been down. That is how I see my bright sides now! ;)

What I wish...

Its 11:11 make a wish. What do I wish for? Well, besides the wish for my children to be happy, healthy, loved, and safe; I wish for justice in the system, available services for every child who needs them, a safe spot for every one, loving arms for every child, cures of all kinds, and hope.

I had a meeting with my lawyer today, the one handling my oldest two's adoption, he is a great man who has worked on every side of the system and is honest to a fault at times. He knows what he is doing. He unfortunately has also worked with many who are disrupting adoptions. This has left him slightly jaded. He looked at my older two's files and looked at me and said "Melanie, I know we have been over this and you are sure and committed, but are you aiming for martyrdom?" I laughed, his expression didn't change, he told me it pained him to see me so kind and loving, when there is no support in the system, he told me that it would be awful, if I turned into those people I cannot understand, who have had enough of their children. He then wished me the best and went on with his paper work. I have never NEVER questioned my adopting these two. They are not easy children. Both have significant special needs and require a lot out of me, but I am their mom, that is all there is. I have no way to explain to him, why I am doing it other than that. It is not because no one else would take them, or that they have been with me for three years, or even that it is what I know. It is simple yet fierce, they are my children, always have been, always will be.

Today made me think...

Today was a good day. We went to the zoo and museum out of town and had a nice time. It is hard to think that I might be willingly jumping back into the whole fostering thing. True, two of my kids are still foster, but we are just waiting on the date, and they have been here for three years. I want to continue fostering very much, but things will be so off for a while, we will struggle time and again for routine and balance. Outings and get togethers will be harder. It will come with great blessings, but I hope I am doing the right thing for my kids. They all have their own needs and we are doing ok now, but will that change when I have more people to look after? I feel this is the right path, and I am not desperate, so I will not just take the first placement they call me with, but still, I hope I have enough sense in me to make sure it is the right one. I know that some people think I am crazy being a single mom of three kids, but I know what I can handle and once you hit three adding more is nothing! ;)

Saturdays are for sleeping in...

Today was blissfully uneventful! Me and the kids laid around until 10, watching cartoons, having tickle fights and eating graham crackers for breakfast, my Butter-Bean's (age 3) idea. It was fantastic! We then went and tried to play outside, but got caught in the rain, that was fun until the thunder started rolling in. We then had some lunch and the little two laid down to take their naps. Me and K my oldest played a game and then K wrote a letter to Mamaw thanking her for the trip. We went out to eat because I had three kids eat free tickets for Bob Evans and then went to the mall for a little bit with one of my best friends and then home to bed. A great great Saturday! Also, tomorrow we are going to Decatur to the Zoo and Children's Museum there. so it will be a much needed great weekend!

Short trip

I just got back from a mini vacation with my mom and my kids! It was fun. The kids enjoyed everything, but they enjoyed the pool at the hotel the most!! They also got to ride a horse drawn wagon, and since it was a slow day they got to feed Pete (the horse) for a good twenty minutes! We did bring in some stares, I saw not one other person of color our entire time there, much less a transracial family! We love the spotlight. Mamaw of course spoiled the kids wild, they ate ice cream, popcorn and snow cones galore. I had a nice time with my mom too we even finished off the evening with some wine. The only dark side of this vacation was that we had to cut it early to get back in town for what was supposed to be a super important therapy group for my middle son (with significant special needs.) If it had been an encouraging group I would not be negative, but seeing how utterly ordinary it was, I think it was more detrimental to my sons mental health to miss out on Mamaw time than to miss this.

Accidents happen...

Augh... I am going on a mini vacation tomorrow, and I am leaving my home a 6AM the only problem is that it is now 1:30AM!! Yikes, I need to get some sleep, but something scary happened. Yesterday, I noticed something silver and liquid on my bathroom floor. I assumed that it was paint, so I wiped it up with a towel. It left a grey streak on my floor, so I went back and later got it with some bleach and a towel. None of my kids admitted to it, so I kind of let it go. This night I had a light bulb moment and remembered that I had an old mercury thermometor. I ran to check and sure enough I found the broken thermometer. I FREAKED!! I googled and got all sorts of scary results so I called poison control. A man named Marco told me a million ways to clean up mercury spills, even though I explained it had already been cleaned up, but thats all. I asked repeatedly if I should be worried, he continued to just say no, it will be fine. Google sounds much worse, so I am calling my doctor tomorrow! My nephews have been here for the last two days so I have had five kids ages 7m to 7y, I am worried!!!!

P.O.ed

Well today was interesting. My agency called me and tried to yell at me for not attending a group therapy session with my younger Rad child. GRRRRR..... They made these sessions on Friday evenings! WHo has their Friday evenings free during the summer?!? Not me! I got angry back when she said I need to prioritize... I am prioritizing, and on that, since when have my boys been your priority??!?!? You had eighteen months to set up counseling and psychiatry and nothing even after I and N did all the work for you!!!! Grr... I cannot wait until they no longer have this hold over me. These boys have been with me for three years, have had over 6 case workers, a dozen therapists, 5 psychiatrists, and two agencies, but I am sure they know what is best for my kids.

Little thief...

My oldest stole from me today. It is heart wrenching. I really am not sure how I am going to handle it. I had left thirteen dollars on the table and it is gone. I acctually didn't realize it was gone until after I found it onto of the dresser where K puts all special things. I am so sad for me and upset with K. I hope I handle this right. Life can be complicated.

No work, no fun???

I have worked since I was about twelve. It started with a paper route, then babysitting, deli counter, residential treatment, then daycare. I am now jobless (by choice kinda) being a SAHM to me means that mondays don't mean anything, you have to feed your children waaaay to often, there really is no such thing as free time, and I can be really creative! I love my children even with their alphabet of dxs, (RAD, PTSD, SPD, Mood disorder-nos, FAE, Intermittent explosive disorder, etc... remember this is spread between three kids!) I have also noticed that it is incredibly draining to be your children's full source of entertainment! Also, I am watching my two nephews a couple days a week and thanks to my kind heart, also going to watch my friends twins one day a week. That should help with the entertainment no?

The big weekend

This weekend was my sisters big garage sale. My mom and grandma came up to help, it was interesting to say the least! With my three and my sisters two we probably scared away more customers then we got! No, seriously the kiddos weren't that bad! My three went shopping around the neighborhood and we picked up a few new odds and ins including a little tykes picnic table I was soooo excited about!!! It has been a good weekend even though it has been completely unproductive for me, I think I have two loads of laundry to fold and put away and we have ate out more in the last two days than we have in a month... I really need to watch that spending especially since I am not working this summer to hopefully heal up my oldest one a little bit. He does get to start the new behavior mod school this fall so that will help as well. There is hope at the end of the tunnel. For tomorrow, or later today since it is about 2am whoops, I am going to go to a nature reserve with my closest friend and she has four little kids so people will hear us coming a mile away!!

Its a challenge

Oh man, this parenting thing is hard. How do you know that you make the right choices for your children??? I feel like being in a transracial adoptive home my choices for my children get scrutinized! I live my children with my whole heart and would do whatever is necessary to have them grow up to be healthy and happy adults! Would you make a hard choice for your child? If it was what your child needed, but it could cause life to be uncomfortable or cause you to lose people close to you would you chose it? I have been thrown into a situation that I am so lost in, but I at least know that now my motives are pure, I am throwing myself under the bus to allow my child to live happy.

Lazy Morning

It is Sunday morning, and I did not want to get up this morning, however my children had a different idea! They were up at 7:30 demanding breakfast and entertainment. I poured them cereal, flipped on the t.v. and curled back into bed. It felt deliciously wrong!

first official blog... the world may stop turning!

So here I am jumping into the blog world, why you may ask? Well because I like to talk and a s a single mother of three high needs boys, I have no one to talk to!! That is not entirely true, I do have friends and family, but they can only listen to so much, before they just cannot take any more!! So here I am blogging to nobody, rambling on about myself like always! So why do I think any of this matters to anyone, I don't know, I don't think this blog itself does, but I do think I have a lot to say about being a single mom while fostering, adopting and raising special needs kids. So here it is my first blog, and it really isn't anything special, however bear with me since it is 1:30AM and I have had a very long day!