Poker face...

For our “lesson” today I decided to teach my kiddos poker! They are 9,6,and 5 and all have varying issues that make comprehension and retaining information more difficult. However it was fun and my little one got a little ruthless! Poker was always very important in my family. My grandpa was truly the center of our family and he LOVED poker. All nine of his grandkids learned at a young age and it was a major part of all family get-togethers and it was serious, real money was involved! My grandpa died sadly and too soon shortly after I started my fostering journey. He was crotchety and old school. He would make brash statements that would sometimes embarrass me and came from an old school way of thinking when it came to mixed race relationships. He lived long enough to meet my youngest adopted son (who was the first of my three placed with me) He made some smart alec comment about my baby’s beautiful bushy afro but then later when it was just me and him he told me how proud he was of me and how cute my kid was. Today when I was teaching them to play poker I thought my grandpa’s biggest complaint wouldn’t be about their race, or their special needs, it would be that I waited this long to teach them! Love you grandpa.

Roller coaster??? more like a tilt a whirl!

I had the most emotional filled week last week ever, seriously ever. My youngest, my baby, is only four. I found his mom on a social networking site about a year and a half ago. From this I found out that she had baby twins. They were in another state. I kept track and for awhile they seemed like they were in her care, as soon as I assumed they weren't in her care I started trying to find them. She listed three different states so I had no clue where to look. Shortly after, she said she was pregnant again. So I watched her through this pregnancy, and I was scared for the baby. She had a baby girl less than a year after the twins were born. Since the girl was born she has listed two states and multiple cities. I finally pinned her down in december and could tell her children were in states custody. Since december I have been calling that state trying to get her worker. I wasn't sure why, I just felt so much love for these kids, they are a part of my AS. I felt that they were my family.

On Tuesday of last week I got ahold of the worker. She told me that all three of the kids have a genetic disorder. Passed to them from their mother who also has it. My AS is very likely to have it, but a lot of people go misdiagnosed. His siblings only got diagnosed because one of the twins was born with a degenerative heart disorder. I have began research, and I think my son probably has it as well, and the good thing is it is not terminal, the bad thing is is that it has a high rate of psychosis.

So, reeling from all of that information the worker then asks me if I will consider placement, in the same breath she mentions that the sick twin was on his way to have open heart surgery. I was stuck. I loved these children already, but have three kids of my own all with some form of special needs and I am a single mom. I believe in keeping siblings together, but wouldn't I neglect the other five kids for the one very sick one?? Our phone call got disconnected before I could ask her about these children's foster placement. The next day we talked again. I got the foster parents information, but before I could call I had to make sure that I was emotionally ready for which ever way this phone call went. If they were bad, I know my mommy senses would kick in and I would begin to move heaven and earth to get these kids here. However, if they were great would I be ok knowing I would never parent these kids???

[A little back note here. My other two forever kids have two siblings also in care. There was only one time when I could have taken placement of these two siblings (almost 2 years after placement) and I was not ready. They were moved to what everyone called a good foster home. It is not. The girls are now there in an adoptive situation even after my complaints. These foster parents are short sided and hurtful, they have even physically hurt (not "abused") one of the girls in front of me. Making me very afraid of what they do behind closed doors. I feel guilt for those girls because I do love them and wish I could have them. ]


I finally call the foster parent, it was magical I felt like I know him. We went to the same college and have a lot of the same basic beliefs. We talked on the phone for almost 2 hours! I felt such peace. He loved those kids as much as I love mine, with as much commitment and determination. I felt safe with him in charge of them. I welcomed him into my family. I assumed I would feel a little grief if I decided not to pursue them, even if I knew it to be the right choice. I didn't though. I felt my family grow instead. We are already planning to meet in April halfway between our houses.

DId I mention that this happened on Alijah, my dear AS's adoption day? Yes, two years to the day he legally became mine, a day that always brings the past up a little bit, now had the floodgates wide open!

I am kinda surprised I made it!!

New and old...

Today was a day of stress and adventure. My parents came up for lunch. My parents try really hard to accept my "choices" in life, but its not them. They could never foster, never have multiple special needs kids, never understand why a single mom would want to add more kids. I understand that they don't get it, but they don't have too, they just have to be respectful of my choice to me and my family. It went ok. They tried harder than they ever have before, however they will never be able to see me and my life as normal. I am ok with that.

Also, me and my sister have decided to take a leap of hope by taking some things out of our kids diets. We are removing a lot of processed foods and dyes, trying to eat food that is as organic and natural as possible. This is in some hope to bring down some of our children's behaviors, it may not help, but it surely cannot hurt us! We will see!

Oh man, I needed to update that my eldest had a large breakdown today. It has been three years since move in day and over a year since TPR and K seemed to be broken down today by anger over some injustices in K' short life. We yelled and cried together. It was so therapeutic. we ended by me rocking K to a peaceful sleep.

what Mothers say...

Almost every mother will say; “I would die for my child.”, “I would give up everything for my child.”, “My child comes before everything else.” I wonder how many parents are faced with this. I also have come to wonder if actually facing this and surviving, makes your love/bond stronger, more pure.

I have realized this week, that putting my child's life before my own wants and needs, sacrificing potentially everything else in my life to put my child first, is completely necessary. I have told my family, my own mom that if she cannot accept that my choice has been made to support my child, that she would lose us. And as much as it would devastate me, I have to put my child’s rights first. I am the only one my children have, and I will support, protect, and cherish them with the fiercest of mama claws.

I feel so strong knowing that there is nothing that will stand in my way of my children’s needs. I will choose their life any day over my own.

Sick of this (pun intended)...

Last Thursday, my eldest was sick, fever headache, throwing up, etc, then this Tuesday, my middle child was sick, same hoopla with lethargy thrown in. Tonight youngest got it, no word for headache and a really sad kiddo! This mamas tired!

The agency's retreat...

It must be friday!! I have cw at my house every week, as well as therapists weekly, and other services at least once a month, but when I need to run something by them no one is around. Wednesday through Friday of this week was my agency's retreat. They go away to some non disclosed location and team build. I have the on call number, but my questions aren't important enough to bother their seminars for, so I am left to look at the weekend with no answers. I don't like that. I am reminded of this time last year. They were all at a retreat and I get a call that they need me to pick up an old respite placement at a little police station an hour away. That was all the information I got, it was just for the night while everybody cooled off, or so I was told. Apparently the girl and her fm got in a fight and she shoved fm to the ground. FM pressed charges and demanded an immediate and final removal. I was not surprised that the agency didn't tell me or that they didn't answer any of my calls that night or for the next three days. On Monday they told me what I already knew that the girl was not going back and that they would work to make arrangements for her. I was full and only temp allowed to keep her. Ten days later they moved her to her now adoptive home. I miss her even though we stay in touch. I really wish it would have worked out for me to be her mom, but I'll settle for her cool aunt!

Moms work

Today has been one of those days that make you question your sanity. I had a 9am case worker visit, setting up the babysitter for two upcoming appointments, and a sick child who only continued to get sicker as the day went on. He currently has a temp of 102 and is trowing up. My poor baby, the only good side is that in his yuckiness, his RAD shield has been down. That is how I see my bright sides now! ;)

What I wish...

Its 11:11 make a wish. What do I wish for? Well, besides the wish for my children to be happy, healthy, loved, and safe; I wish for justice in the system, available services for every child who needs them, a safe spot for every one, loving arms for every child, cures of all kinds, and hope.

I had a meeting with my lawyer today, the one handling my oldest two's adoption, he is a great man who has worked on every side of the system and is honest to a fault at times. He knows what he is doing. He unfortunately has also worked with many who are disrupting adoptions. This has left him slightly jaded. He looked at my older two's files and looked at me and said "Melanie, I know we have been over this and you are sure and committed, but are you aiming for martyrdom?" I laughed, his expression didn't change, he told me it pained him to see me so kind and loving, when there is no support in the system, he told me that it would be awful, if I turned into those people I cannot understand, who have had enough of their children. He then wished me the best and went on with his paper work. I have never NEVER questioned my adopting these two. They are not easy children. Both have significant special needs and require a lot out of me, but I am their mom, that is all there is. I have no way to explain to him, why I am doing it other than that. It is not because no one else would take them, or that they have been with me for three years, or even that it is what I know. It is simple yet fierce, they are my children, always have been, always will be.

Today made me think...

Today was a good day. We went to the zoo and museum out of town and had a nice time. It is hard to think that I might be willingly jumping back into the whole fostering thing. True, two of my kids are still foster, but we are just waiting on the date, and they have been here for three years. I want to continue fostering very much, but things will be so off for a while, we will struggle time and again for routine and balance. Outings and get togethers will be harder. It will come with great blessings, but I hope I am doing the right thing for my kids. They all have their own needs and we are doing ok now, but will that change when I have more people to look after? I feel this is the right path, and I am not desperate, so I will not just take the first placement they call me with, but still, I hope I have enough sense in me to make sure it is the right one. I know that some people think I am crazy being a single mom of three kids, but I know what I can handle and once you hit three adding more is nothing! ;)

No work, no fun???

I have worked since I was about twelve. It started with a paper route, then babysitting, deli counter, residential treatment, then daycare. I am now jobless (by choice kinda) being a SAHM to me means that mondays don't mean anything, you have to feed your children waaaay to often, there really is no such thing as free time, and I can be really creative! I love my children even with their alphabet of dxs, (RAD, PTSD, SPD, Mood disorder-nos, FAE, Intermittent explosive disorder, etc... remember this is spread between three kids!) I have also noticed that it is incredibly draining to be your children's full source of entertainment! Also, I am watching my two nephews a couple days a week and thanks to my kind heart, also going to watch my friends twins one day a week. That should help with the entertainment no?

The big weekend

This weekend was my sisters big garage sale. My mom and grandma came up to help, it was interesting to say the least! With my three and my sisters two we probably scared away more customers then we got! No, seriously the kiddos weren't that bad! My three went shopping around the neighborhood and we picked up a few new odds and ins including a little tykes picnic table I was soooo excited about!!! It has been a good weekend even though it has been completely unproductive for me, I think I have two loads of laundry to fold and put away and we have ate out more in the last two days than we have in a month... I really need to watch that spending especially since I am not working this summer to hopefully heal up my oldest one a little bit. He does get to start the new behavior mod school this fall so that will help as well. There is hope at the end of the tunnel. For tomorrow, or later today since it is about 2am whoops, I am going to go to a nature reserve with my closest friend and she has four little kids so people will hear us coming a mile away!!

Its a challenge

Oh man, this parenting thing is hard. How do you know that you make the right choices for your children??? I feel like being in a transracial adoptive home my choices for my children get scrutinized! I live my children with my whole heart and would do whatever is necessary to have them grow up to be healthy and happy adults! Would you make a hard choice for your child? If it was what your child needed, but it could cause life to be uncomfortable or cause you to lose people close to you would you chose it? I have been thrown into a situation that I am so lost in, but I at least know that now my motives are pure, I am throwing myself under the bus to allow my child to live happy.

first official blog... the world may stop turning!

So here I am jumping into the blog world, why you may ask? Well because I like to talk and a s a single mother of three high needs boys, I have no one to talk to!! That is not entirely true, I do have friends and family, but they can only listen to so much, before they just cannot take any more!! So here I am blogging to nobody, rambling on about myself like always! So why do I think any of this matters to anyone, I don't know, I don't think this blog itself does, but I do think I have a lot to say about being a single mom while fostering, adopting and raising special needs kids. So here it is my first blog, and it really isn't anything special, however bear with me since it is 1:30AM and I have had a very long day!