Poker face...

For our “lesson” today I decided to teach my kiddos poker! They are 9,6,and 5 and all have varying issues that make comprehension and retaining information more difficult. However it was fun and my little one got a little ruthless! Poker was always very important in my family. My grandpa was truly the center of our family and he LOVED poker. All nine of his grandkids learned at a young age and it was a major part of all family get-togethers and it was serious, real money was involved! My grandpa died sadly and too soon shortly after I started my fostering journey. He was crotchety and old school. He would make brash statements that would sometimes embarrass me and came from an old school way of thinking when it came to mixed race relationships. He lived long enough to meet my youngest adopted son (who was the first of my three placed with me) He made some smart alec comment about my baby’s beautiful bushy afro but then later when it was just me and him he told me how proud he was of me and how cute my kid was. Today when I was teaching them to play poker I thought my grandpa’s biggest complaint wouldn’t be about their race, or their special needs, it would be that I waited this long to teach them! Love you grandpa.

All the story...

My youngest, my butter bean has been so off this last week, I know that him trying to make some sense out of this crazy world is whats getting to him. How is he to understand that he has siblings and that they are his baby brothers and sisters, yet he will never know them like that and they will be raised by someone else. This stuff is confusing to me as an adult, it makes my brain and my heart hurt. How else would a four year old react except to be a stinkpot and a clingy little man who decides that sleep is unnecessary. I hope that he starts healing this week.

It does bring up the point that some people have told me; to wait and tell him when he gets older. No matter how hard it is for him right know, I believe this is the best thing I can do. I do not believe in lying to my kids when it comes to their personal stories. I think that they have every right to know who they are. This might mean some hard truths now, but this way they will just be facts to him not some bomb drop at a more appropriate age. My family is a big family of secret holders. Since I was close to my mom and grandma I was privy to most of these secrets. I know things about my family, who I am really close to that I wish I didn't know. I hate the burden of that. The most shocking secret came to me the year before I started fostering. I found that I wasn't wrong in my suspicions that my mom was keeping something from me, that their was something weird about the fact that my mom never knew dates to things. I just didn't know that it wasn't going to be about me but a sibling. I now know this secret and my sibling doesn't. How can that be fair??? My sibling would be destroyed by this information and it isn't my place to say. I just know that the holding of secrets like this, that are internal parts to a persons life, is burning; I refused to have this barrier between me and my children. So yes this will not be the last time, and there will be very hard questions to come in the future, especially when they start asking about fathers, but I will be a age appropriately (meaning a 5 yo doesn't understand what drug abuse is) honest, while remaining supportive and positive that they are not defined only by where they came from.

Learning to Juggle

I always wanted to learn how to juggle.

Seriously as a kid they did a weekend juggling lesson at the YWCA and I begged my mom to let me go. We were broke, something I didn't understand then, but instead of being honest with me and telling me that we couldn't afford it my mom was prideful so she told me that I would never learn how to juggle, that I wasn't coordinated enough. This was my moms way of deflecting the real reasons to keep her pride in check, but she was such a loving mom in everything else why shouldn't I believe her?
I wanted to join Girl Scouts, she told me that she asked around and none of the groups wanted me. I wanted to play an instrument in band, she told me I couldn't find a beat and I would give up after a day any way and it wasn't worth the investment. I stopped asking for things. I realized that I couldn't see the board in fifth grade, I didn't get glasses until I was a junior in high school because I refused to ask for them, but I failed my eye screen in drivers ed. My Senior year in HS I got nominated for a leadership award, part of this award was a weekend trip to meet the other winners and go to leadership seminars. My mom told me not to go, that she loved me but that if I were to go the other kids wouldn't like me and they would make fun of me because I was fat. When it was time to go to college, I applied to a college four hours away. My mom made me fear it and almost made me quit with all of her negative speech. My moms hold on me led to a lot of my decisions. I was convinced she was right, I must not be worth much, I cannot accomplish much, I am really nowhere as good as my sister.

When I knew I wanted to be a foster parent, I did it all with out letting my mom know, she didn't find out until the weekend before I was licensed. I couldn't bear her negative look on it and have her be able to talk me down before starting. She was negative, told me she thought I made a stupid decision, and probably ruined the rest of my life. She came around to the kids. In the time I was fostering my sister had a son. I love my nephew so much, he is fantastic. My AS was born in the same year and came to me 9months after my nephew was born. My mom said its not the same and one day I would understand. Two years later I found out that I was going to adopt my baby and she told me to really think about it. A month before his adoption, I told my mom that I could no longer bear her negativity, my self worth could not be based on all of her fears and insecurities. I told her I was capable, and I told her that if she couldn't muster up enough love for me and my son to respect what this meant then she could leave. She slapped me in my face. However, she did come to my sons adoption and loves him in her way. My mom will always look at everything I do through a negative scope and try to get me to a dark place, but now I am strong enough to know when to hang up the phone.

This whole thought came to me because while I might parent differently and understand my children's strengths and weaknesses, I will never define them for them. I will never tell them they cannot do things. I do not hold the answer to that. Instead I will give them baby steps and directions to succeed. I will always believe with them even if it is hard to.

In other words, I finally learned how to juggle!

Roller coaster??? more like a tilt a whirl!

I had the most emotional filled week last week ever, seriously ever. My youngest, my baby, is only four. I found his mom on a social networking site about a year and a half ago. From this I found out that she had baby twins. They were in another state. I kept track and for awhile they seemed like they were in her care, as soon as I assumed they weren't in her care I started trying to find them. She listed three different states so I had no clue where to look. Shortly after, she said she was pregnant again. So I watched her through this pregnancy, and I was scared for the baby. She had a baby girl less than a year after the twins were born. Since the girl was born she has listed two states and multiple cities. I finally pinned her down in december and could tell her children were in states custody. Since december I have been calling that state trying to get her worker. I wasn't sure why, I just felt so much love for these kids, they are a part of my AS. I felt that they were my family.

On Tuesday of last week I got ahold of the worker. She told me that all three of the kids have a genetic disorder. Passed to them from their mother who also has it. My AS is very likely to have it, but a lot of people go misdiagnosed. His siblings only got diagnosed because one of the twins was born with a degenerative heart disorder. I have began research, and I think my son probably has it as well, and the good thing is it is not terminal, the bad thing is is that it has a high rate of psychosis.

So, reeling from all of that information the worker then asks me if I will consider placement, in the same breath she mentions that the sick twin was on his way to have open heart surgery. I was stuck. I loved these children already, but have three kids of my own all with some form of special needs and I am a single mom. I believe in keeping siblings together, but wouldn't I neglect the other five kids for the one very sick one?? Our phone call got disconnected before I could ask her about these children's foster placement. The next day we talked again. I got the foster parents information, but before I could call I had to make sure that I was emotionally ready for which ever way this phone call went. If they were bad, I know my mommy senses would kick in and I would begin to move heaven and earth to get these kids here. However, if they were great would I be ok knowing I would never parent these kids???

[A little back note here. My other two forever kids have two siblings also in care. There was only one time when I could have taken placement of these two siblings (almost 2 years after placement) and I was not ready. They were moved to what everyone called a good foster home. It is not. The girls are now there in an adoptive situation even after my complaints. These foster parents are short sided and hurtful, they have even physically hurt (not "abused") one of the girls in front of me. Making me very afraid of what they do behind closed doors. I feel guilt for those girls because I do love them and wish I could have them. ]


I finally call the foster parent, it was magical I felt like I know him. We went to the same college and have a lot of the same basic beliefs. We talked on the phone for almost 2 hours! I felt such peace. He loved those kids as much as I love mine, with as much commitment and determination. I felt safe with him in charge of them. I welcomed him into my family. I assumed I would feel a little grief if I decided not to pursue them, even if I knew it to be the right choice. I didn't though. I felt my family grow instead. We are already planning to meet in April halfway between our houses.

DId I mention that this happened on Alijah, my dear AS's adoption day? Yes, two years to the day he legally became mine, a day that always brings the past up a little bit, now had the floodgates wide open!

I am kinda surprised I made it!!

Quiet thoughts...

As I sit in the quiteness of my house at night I wonder and worry about the kids whose futures I don't know. Placements I passed up, ones that went to relatives, ones who ru, and then my children's sibs. I hope that they are all warm. I hope that during a stressful time like being stuck in your home for multiple days that their caregivers were able to control their tempers. I hope that every child had some one to play games with and drink hot cocoa with. I also think of the two open spaces I have in my house and wonder if when my agency goes on call next week if I will get a child who sat cold and scared tonight. Maybe quiet isn't so good.