5 years....

5 years. In 5 years one would assume that a person would be accustomed to the world around them. In five years a person should know the expectations and routines. In five years a person should be comfortable. 5 years is nothing! Nothing when your first five years were traumatic, unpredictable, and horrifying. My two older adopted children have been with me for five years and still my daughter, who is now nine, fears there won’t be food, fears that there won’t be shelter, fears bad men, and worst of all fears that she will not be allowed to stay with me, that she will be alone. She has not been able to be fully comfortable. As much as she wants to be here in the present but her past rules her. Don’t get me wrong, she has healed some, but five years of being safe is no competition to the five years of hell she has been through! I made a comment when looking in the fridge that we had no food (meaning that I wanted to make for dinner.) When it came time for dinner, her thanks was: “I am thankful that my mommy found us food and has her grocery list to remember to get more.” She loves looking at the grocery list, if there is nothing on it she writes stuff just so we don’t forget to go to the store. She enjoys knowing that I have money in the bank even though her FASD makes her understanding of the value of money hard. She is always afraid when I leave even though I have countlessly shown her I come back. She becomes aggressive and animalistic when she feels threatened. She desperately wants to be so close to me, but reacts when she feels herself being vulnerable. She lives in a perceived reality that is frustrating for those around her but not near as frustrating as it is for her that we don’t understand her. She challenges my life and parenting daily. I have realized that she may never change to who the world expects her to be but that my job is instead to give her a world that works best for her.

quick catch up...

I enjoy writing on here, even if no one ever reads it. I like to read others blog and feel the similarities and challenge myself when I feel that others have a better way than I do. I also, being a single mom, enjoy sharing my childrens life. It has been so long since I blogged last or even connected to my fostercare/adoption people. We have had many short term placements come and go, we have had upheavels in our support system, and we have had many many ups and downs. Most importantly we also had our adoption! My dear children had to wait four and a half years for permancy, four and a half years! They are MINE now, all mine! I love every ounce of them no matter how much they push me away. The adoption did cause some regression, but that was expected. We also had a med change that led to an extreme psychotic reaction, which sadly led to a hospitilization. If you have never had to do that be thankful, if you have you know it is increadibly hard. I would never have done it if my child wasn't an danger to herself and others. When my eight year old gave me a detailed plan of how she planed on ending our entire family's lives, I had no other choice. Then to try to parent your child when they are away from home is amazingly hard. The staff felt they knew my child more than I do. my daughter gets aggressive, super aggressive when she feels unsafe. So obviously when she is away from home in a new environment she felt very unsafe and became aggressive. I told them this would happen. I only wanted her there long enough to detox from the med that gave her the reaction, the aggression I can handle. They told me that they couldn't release her until she was safe for 72 hours in a row! HA! Then they told me that the female staff couldn't handle her so the placed her with a male one on one aid. Really!? Um... could someone look back into her files... um PTSD- triggers 1. men (specifically black men)!!!! The CEO of that place knows my name now and I had my baby back on Monday morning. She has had no more suicidal/homicidal ideations since the med change. My point is I advocate for these children in my sleep, seriously! Somedays when I am up against a RAD/FASD wall advocating for the world to change is all I can do.

All the story...

My youngest, my butter bean has been so off this last week, I know that him trying to make some sense out of this crazy world is whats getting to him. How is he to understand that he has siblings and that they are his baby brothers and sisters, yet he will never know them like that and they will be raised by someone else. This stuff is confusing to me as an adult, it makes my brain and my heart hurt. How else would a four year old react except to be a stinkpot and a clingy little man who decides that sleep is unnecessary. I hope that he starts healing this week.

It does bring up the point that some people have told me; to wait and tell him when he gets older. No matter how hard it is for him right know, I believe this is the best thing I can do. I do not believe in lying to my kids when it comes to their personal stories. I think that they have every right to know who they are. This might mean some hard truths now, but this way they will just be facts to him not some bomb drop at a more appropriate age. My family is a big family of secret holders. Since I was close to my mom and grandma I was privy to most of these secrets. I know things about my family, who I am really close to that I wish I didn't know. I hate the burden of that. The most shocking secret came to me the year before I started fostering. I found that I wasn't wrong in my suspicions that my mom was keeping something from me, that their was something weird about the fact that my mom never knew dates to things. I just didn't know that it wasn't going to be about me but a sibling. I now know this secret and my sibling doesn't. How can that be fair??? My sibling would be destroyed by this information and it isn't my place to say. I just know that the holding of secrets like this, that are internal parts to a persons life, is burning; I refused to have this barrier between me and my children. So yes this will not be the last time, and there will be very hard questions to come in the future, especially when they start asking about fathers, but I will be a age appropriately (meaning a 5 yo doesn't understand what drug abuse is) honest, while remaining supportive and positive that they are not defined only by where they came from.

Learning to Juggle

I always wanted to learn how to juggle.

Seriously as a kid they did a weekend juggling lesson at the YWCA and I begged my mom to let me go. We were broke, something I didn't understand then, but instead of being honest with me and telling me that we couldn't afford it my mom was prideful so she told me that I would never learn how to juggle, that I wasn't coordinated enough. This was my moms way of deflecting the real reasons to keep her pride in check, but she was such a loving mom in everything else why shouldn't I believe her?
I wanted to join Girl Scouts, she told me that she asked around and none of the groups wanted me. I wanted to play an instrument in band, she told me I couldn't find a beat and I would give up after a day any way and it wasn't worth the investment. I stopped asking for things. I realized that I couldn't see the board in fifth grade, I didn't get glasses until I was a junior in high school because I refused to ask for them, but I failed my eye screen in drivers ed. My Senior year in HS I got nominated for a leadership award, part of this award was a weekend trip to meet the other winners and go to leadership seminars. My mom told me not to go, that she loved me but that if I were to go the other kids wouldn't like me and they would make fun of me because I was fat. When it was time to go to college, I applied to a college four hours away. My mom made me fear it and almost made me quit with all of her negative speech. My moms hold on me led to a lot of my decisions. I was convinced she was right, I must not be worth much, I cannot accomplish much, I am really nowhere as good as my sister.

When I knew I wanted to be a foster parent, I did it all with out letting my mom know, she didn't find out until the weekend before I was licensed. I couldn't bear her negative look on it and have her be able to talk me down before starting. She was negative, told me she thought I made a stupid decision, and probably ruined the rest of my life. She came around to the kids. In the time I was fostering my sister had a son. I love my nephew so much, he is fantastic. My AS was born in the same year and came to me 9months after my nephew was born. My mom said its not the same and one day I would understand. Two years later I found out that I was going to adopt my baby and she told me to really think about it. A month before his adoption, I told my mom that I could no longer bear her negativity, my self worth could not be based on all of her fears and insecurities. I told her I was capable, and I told her that if she couldn't muster up enough love for me and my son to respect what this meant then she could leave. She slapped me in my face. However, she did come to my sons adoption and loves him in her way. My mom will always look at everything I do through a negative scope and try to get me to a dark place, but now I am strong enough to know when to hang up the phone.

This whole thought came to me because while I might parent differently and understand my children's strengths and weaknesses, I will never define them for them. I will never tell them they cannot do things. I do not hold the answer to that. Instead I will give them baby steps and directions to succeed. I will always believe with them even if it is hard to.

In other words, I finally learned how to juggle!

Roller coaster??? more like a tilt a whirl!

I had the most emotional filled week last week ever, seriously ever. My youngest, my baby, is only four. I found his mom on a social networking site about a year and a half ago. From this I found out that she had baby twins. They were in another state. I kept track and for awhile they seemed like they were in her care, as soon as I assumed they weren't in her care I started trying to find them. She listed three different states so I had no clue where to look. Shortly after, she said she was pregnant again. So I watched her through this pregnancy, and I was scared for the baby. She had a baby girl less than a year after the twins were born. Since the girl was born she has listed two states and multiple cities. I finally pinned her down in december and could tell her children were in states custody. Since december I have been calling that state trying to get her worker. I wasn't sure why, I just felt so much love for these kids, they are a part of my AS. I felt that they were my family.

On Tuesday of last week I got ahold of the worker. She told me that all three of the kids have a genetic disorder. Passed to them from their mother who also has it. My AS is very likely to have it, but a lot of people go misdiagnosed. His siblings only got diagnosed because one of the twins was born with a degenerative heart disorder. I have began research, and I think my son probably has it as well, and the good thing is it is not terminal, the bad thing is is that it has a high rate of psychosis.

So, reeling from all of that information the worker then asks me if I will consider placement, in the same breath she mentions that the sick twin was on his way to have open heart surgery. I was stuck. I loved these children already, but have three kids of my own all with some form of special needs and I am a single mom. I believe in keeping siblings together, but wouldn't I neglect the other five kids for the one very sick one?? Our phone call got disconnected before I could ask her about these children's foster placement. The next day we talked again. I got the foster parents information, but before I could call I had to make sure that I was emotionally ready for which ever way this phone call went. If they were bad, I know my mommy senses would kick in and I would begin to move heaven and earth to get these kids here. However, if they were great would I be ok knowing I would never parent these kids???

[A little back note here. My other two forever kids have two siblings also in care. There was only one time when I could have taken placement of these two siblings (almost 2 years after placement) and I was not ready. They were moved to what everyone called a good foster home. It is not. The girls are now there in an adoptive situation even after my complaints. These foster parents are short sided and hurtful, they have even physically hurt (not "abused") one of the girls in front of me. Making me very afraid of what they do behind closed doors. I feel guilt for those girls because I do love them and wish I could have them. ]


I finally call the foster parent, it was magical I felt like I know him. We went to the same college and have a lot of the same basic beliefs. We talked on the phone for almost 2 hours! I felt such peace. He loved those kids as much as I love mine, with as much commitment and determination. I felt safe with him in charge of them. I welcomed him into my family. I assumed I would feel a little grief if I decided not to pursue them, even if I knew it to be the right choice. I didn't though. I felt my family grow instead. We are already planning to meet in April halfway between our houses.

DId I mention that this happened on Alijah, my dear AS's adoption day? Yes, two years to the day he legally became mine, a day that always brings the past up a little bit, now had the floodgates wide open!

I am kinda surprised I made it!!

Quiet thoughts...

As I sit in the quiteness of my house at night I wonder and worry about the kids whose futures I don't know. Placements I passed up, ones that went to relatives, ones who ru, and then my children's sibs. I hope that they are all warm. I hope that during a stressful time like being stuck in your home for multiple days that their caregivers were able to control their tempers. I hope that every child had some one to play games with and drink hot cocoa with. I also think of the two open spaces I have in my house and wonder if when my agency goes on call next week if I will get a child who sat cold and scared tonight. Maybe quiet isn't so good.

New and old...

Today was a day of stress and adventure. My parents came up for lunch. My parents try really hard to accept my "choices" in life, but its not them. They could never foster, never have multiple special needs kids, never understand why a single mom would want to add more kids. I understand that they don't get it, but they don't have too, they just have to be respectful of my choice to me and my family. It went ok. They tried harder than they ever have before, however they will never be able to see me and my life as normal. I am ok with that.

Also, me and my sister have decided to take a leap of hope by taking some things out of our kids diets. We are removing a lot of processed foods and dyes, trying to eat food that is as organic and natural as possible. This is in some hope to bring down some of our children's behaviors, it may not help, but it surely cannot hurt us! We will see!

Oh man, I needed to update that my eldest had a large breakdown today. It has been three years since move in day and over a year since TPR and K seemed to be broken down today by anger over some injustices in K' short life. We yelled and cried together. It was so therapeutic. we ended by me rocking K to a peaceful sleep.

what Mothers say...

Almost every mother will say; “I would die for my child.”, “I would give up everything for my child.”, “My child comes before everything else.” I wonder how many parents are faced with this. I also have come to wonder if actually facing this and surviving, makes your love/bond stronger, more pure.

I have realized this week, that putting my child's life before my own wants and needs, sacrificing potentially everything else in my life to put my child first, is completely necessary. I have told my family, my own mom that if she cannot accept that my choice has been made to support my child, that she would lose us. And as much as it would devastate me, I have to put my child’s rights first. I am the only one my children have, and I will support, protect, and cherish them with the fiercest of mama claws.

I feel so strong knowing that there is nothing that will stand in my way of my children’s needs. I will choose their life any day over my own.