Learning to Juggle

I always wanted to learn how to juggle.

Seriously as a kid they did a weekend juggling lesson at the YWCA and I begged my mom to let me go. We were broke, something I didn't understand then, but instead of being honest with me and telling me that we couldn't afford it my mom was prideful so she told me that I would never learn how to juggle, that I wasn't coordinated enough. This was my moms way of deflecting the real reasons to keep her pride in check, but she was such a loving mom in everything else why shouldn't I believe her?
I wanted to join Girl Scouts, she told me that she asked around and none of the groups wanted me. I wanted to play an instrument in band, she told me I couldn't find a beat and I would give up after a day any way and it wasn't worth the investment. I stopped asking for things. I realized that I couldn't see the board in fifth grade, I didn't get glasses until I was a junior in high school because I refused to ask for them, but I failed my eye screen in drivers ed. My Senior year in HS I got nominated for a leadership award, part of this award was a weekend trip to meet the other winners and go to leadership seminars. My mom told me not to go, that she loved me but that if I were to go the other kids wouldn't like me and they would make fun of me because I was fat. When it was time to go to college, I applied to a college four hours away. My mom made me fear it and almost made me quit with all of her negative speech. My moms hold on me led to a lot of my decisions. I was convinced she was right, I must not be worth much, I cannot accomplish much, I am really nowhere as good as my sister.

When I knew I wanted to be a foster parent, I did it all with out letting my mom know, she didn't find out until the weekend before I was licensed. I couldn't bear her negative look on it and have her be able to talk me down before starting. She was negative, told me she thought I made a stupid decision, and probably ruined the rest of my life. She came around to the kids. In the time I was fostering my sister had a son. I love my nephew so much, he is fantastic. My AS was born in the same year and came to me 9months after my nephew was born. My mom said its not the same and one day I would understand. Two years later I found out that I was going to adopt my baby and she told me to really think about it. A month before his adoption, I told my mom that I could no longer bear her negativity, my self worth could not be based on all of her fears and insecurities. I told her I was capable, and I told her that if she couldn't muster up enough love for me and my son to respect what this meant then she could leave. She slapped me in my face. However, she did come to my sons adoption and loves him in her way. My mom will always look at everything I do through a negative scope and try to get me to a dark place, but now I am strong enough to know when to hang up the phone.

This whole thought came to me because while I might parent differently and understand my children's strengths and weaknesses, I will never define them for them. I will never tell them they cannot do things. I do not hold the answer to that. Instead I will give them baby steps and directions to succeed. I will always believe with them even if it is hard to.

In other words, I finally learned how to juggle!