Roller coaster??? more like a tilt a whirl!

I had the most emotional filled week last week ever, seriously ever. My youngest, my baby, is only four. I found his mom on a social networking site about a year and a half ago. From this I found out that she had baby twins. They were in another state. I kept track and for awhile they seemed like they were in her care, as soon as I assumed they weren't in her care I started trying to find them. She listed three different states so I had no clue where to look. Shortly after, she said she was pregnant again. So I watched her through this pregnancy, and I was scared for the baby. She had a baby girl less than a year after the twins were born. Since the girl was born she has listed two states and multiple cities. I finally pinned her down in december and could tell her children were in states custody. Since december I have been calling that state trying to get her worker. I wasn't sure why, I just felt so much love for these kids, they are a part of my AS. I felt that they were my family.

On Tuesday of last week I got ahold of the worker. She told me that all three of the kids have a genetic disorder. Passed to them from their mother who also has it. My AS is very likely to have it, but a lot of people go misdiagnosed. His siblings only got diagnosed because one of the twins was born with a degenerative heart disorder. I have began research, and I think my son probably has it as well, and the good thing is it is not terminal, the bad thing is is that it has a high rate of psychosis.

So, reeling from all of that information the worker then asks me if I will consider placement, in the same breath she mentions that the sick twin was on his way to have open heart surgery. I was stuck. I loved these children already, but have three kids of my own all with some form of special needs and I am a single mom. I believe in keeping siblings together, but wouldn't I neglect the other five kids for the one very sick one?? Our phone call got disconnected before I could ask her about these children's foster placement. The next day we talked again. I got the foster parents information, but before I could call I had to make sure that I was emotionally ready for which ever way this phone call went. If they were bad, I know my mommy senses would kick in and I would begin to move heaven and earth to get these kids here. However, if they were great would I be ok knowing I would never parent these kids???

[A little back note here. My other two forever kids have two siblings also in care. There was only one time when I could have taken placement of these two siblings (almost 2 years after placement) and I was not ready. They were moved to what everyone called a good foster home. It is not. The girls are now there in an adoptive situation even after my complaints. These foster parents are short sided and hurtful, they have even physically hurt (not "abused") one of the girls in front of me. Making me very afraid of what they do behind closed doors. I feel guilt for those girls because I do love them and wish I could have them. ]


I finally call the foster parent, it was magical I felt like I know him. We went to the same college and have a lot of the same basic beliefs. We talked on the phone for almost 2 hours! I felt such peace. He loved those kids as much as I love mine, with as much commitment and determination. I felt safe with him in charge of them. I welcomed him into my family. I assumed I would feel a little grief if I decided not to pursue them, even if I knew it to be the right choice. I didn't though. I felt my family grow instead. We are already planning to meet in April halfway between our houses.

DId I mention that this happened on Alijah, my dear AS's adoption day? Yes, two years to the day he legally became mine, a day that always brings the past up a little bit, now had the floodgates wide open!

I am kinda surprised I made it!!